Through traced lines and melodies.

What started as innocence, then tangled into a rolodex of beautiful men, with rings on their fingers, and wives in their beds. Thoughts through my head, ending in the same tearing realization. I am who I am. Years, and lines, and pages, and words you can count for the rest of your life, wont compare to the amount of anything worth giving time to, still with each word, lies true tearing conviction. Bold statements strewn where they could drape over chairs, and fall not onto deaf persons, but persons who could not care. They heavy, and fallow, and I'll swallow as long as they'll keep down. And you never disappoint.


p.s- By now, I do know the routine.

Take.

Like a whisper of a breathe, or rather a sigh, on a deathly cold day. Or how the tide gives and takes. Gives and takes. With each pull, it deepens. Anticipation builds, and fades. Hope fills, and releases in one gust of aggression.

p.s- dance till we've got nothing left....

Goodbye to you.

I gave it up till nothing was left. A poor attempt to rid of the feast i had earlier; two sticks of celery and 3 tortilla chips. I was less then pleased. The burn prevented me to talk for the rest of the evening. Grinning, telling me "I told you so.","Can you do anything right?".

I love this corner I've made, and decorated all by myself. The walls are scribbled on and the art kind of sucks, but no ones heres but me. I love that. The door is always open, just for shits and giggles. I only told two of my closest friends/enemies, and they could easily read any of this and tell anyone. The school kids would really love to get their hands on this. But I'm still here alone, so they can't. I am confident in saying that too.

Secrets are my specialty. They'll never know whats underneath my watch and bracelets, or why i can't get out of bed the next morning, or how much, or of what, or why i look different, or what the discoloration was from. They'll never know, no one will.

For you my love.

She loves you, sweetie.

You plague me. Every inch of my thought. You are there, bearing gifts i reluctantly take, who am i to refuse anything from you. I find, gifts of hope, and despair,dreams, and sorrows, and breathe them in as you may have intended. I thank you, and we both go back to what we were doing.

You occupy a vast amount of space in my head, and i let you stay. Who am i to refuse? Your presence consumes me while i sleep, while i play, while i kiss whatever man will remind my of you that night. I don't mind, you bring warmth.

Still, nothing is perfect, not even this. I know she is in you, like you are in me. Who am i to take that from you? I couldn't if I tried, even if you handed it to me pleading. Heart in hand, you don't try. As if you already knew.

Go back to her, she loves you. Go back to her.


p.s- Thank you, again.

Call me beautiful, baby.

i am your canvas.
your pallet.
your breath.
your vision.
your insides, outside.

let me take on what you shed.
drink your negative thoughts,
digest your tremors.
wear your secrets.
bleed what you shy from.

take me.

p.s-fuck with my mind.

It's just the way i am.
Highly opinionated, socially awkward,
some how making the feeling in the room turn.. well.. uncomfortable.
I tried turning "it" off, but it seems bland.

Dead Men.

when will this end
will i know
what damage lies beneath the rubble
smoky eyes, and short of breathe
your here, but i cant feel you
i see you but my eyes have fooled me before
i can hear a voice, still faint, i am dreaming
through silhouettes and shadows of the monster i feed
you live somewhere past
better off with out me
still what a haunting place
as if i were anticipating your fall
the demise of who you live for
i like to believe what you have is real
but my eyes have fooled me before

p.s- I built this for you! Do you accept?



...................................................



I place it on a hight shelf knowing its about to fall, and wait.

show your bones.

i am a wonderful magician.

i can make almost anything disappear. Feed an ocean of fire, and gluttony, thoughts that linger, like living dead. Never to exhume for further investigation. A once cluttered closet space, now barren like aired plains under scorching skies. Shall i trade the heat ridden land, for one with ashed skies, and fruit of black? Or stay here and drink from the water i myself have polluted with hope, dreams, skeletons and bones long forgotten.

I lay with these tonight, pull them close as a lover.


p.s-for your troubles, i offer some insight.

Disregaurd this gesture.

every day, i wake up with two things in mind. Today i cant write, anything, because my mind is indecisive about one little thing. I attempt, I fail. I watch from a box this place i could never enter, i watch them eat, sleep, walk, play, talk, fuck, and then play some more. Today, they seem distant once again, my heart is now involved with it. Two bodies in one, tearing the other side apart, is it possible for either to prevail? I guess not. Wasted energy. Wasted time. Again. A place i return to, the box i wont let them touch, its all mine, that place.

Where shall i put my things?

This dusty road is your new home.

ive been doing this for way too long for it to be this hard, ive come just inches from where i came, still fallen short.. of what? i dont know.. but i know where i want to be, but cant even get my fingertips on it to feel what its like. So i resort to a place less exciting a water downed version, a rip off of the real thing. If i close my eyes, i can almost pretend, but i know that will dig me a ditch so deep i wouldn't be able to tell which ends up. No one gets how serious i am about this, no one understands my vision, so they give what they have time for, its everything short. This isnt something you can do alone, but i cant get anyone to take me seriously, i cant find anyone, who has half the drive i have, and for that i'll try to give a hopeless soul some so i wont break my back with the burden.

Forever tainted.

Stripped.


Bare and frigged, no where to hide your baggage,
so toss them aside, let them see.
What happens when they all leave?
casted to the way side,
with only your false sense of acceptance to hide that gapping hole in your chest.
let their laughter ring, let them strip you, let them contour you.
when will you understand?
they have left you a shell, frail, brittle, and worn.
All your entities were envied, but you traded them for a gray cloak.
Redemption has never been so out of reach.

State of War.

False hope and temporary confidence- I am let down, or rather tied down. The boards break my back and the ties numb my limbs. I close my eyes, but it only magnifies this state of mind. I don't care to venture there, don't care to invoke any questions, I just wish to be free, on my own terms- false hope. I will set a fire to the walls around me, and sit in the ashes. I will tear myself down, and stay till I am found. I will scream till I have no strength, speak till my mouth is dry. I have what it takes to get there, but as soon as I arrive, I'm absent-false hope.

Where am I?

I blame you for being so god damn perfect,
for being everything i needed,
everything i wish to see in myself.
I blame this mess I've been handed,
for holding me here,
pinning me against this wall keeping me tied to you.

It's all coming back,
the blanket, the smile, the shirt,
the necklace i don't wear anymore.

I can't promise to find my way back.
Maybe it's the comfort of a familiar face.
No, it's the thought you could tear me down.
I need to be torn again, and remember how human I am.

Let a text message remind me of where i really am.
Or was that a car?

I, Insight.

failure, heartbreak.
failure, experience.
failure, abuse.
failure, slip.
failure, trip, fall.
failure, fail.

ring, intentions.
ring, heartbreak.
ring, doubt.
ring, hope.
ring, failure.

you, love.
i, disappointment.

Bleed it out.

As the day approaches the nerves build and I believe its about time I explode, or bleed out silently. There's nothing I can do and nothing will happen, but I will witness what the rest of them will.. it almost seems pointless, serving strictly as an escape from its self.. I can only give what i have, and now that i have nothing, i fill myself with you. You will never know, and this I must accept.. but until then I will run myself down in an honest attempt at a fantasy you've only let me see a glimpse of and then remind me by the second its not mine for the taking... but does that mean you can't envy? There i will stay, i could spend my whole life trying to get to you, but those creatures in the back of mind, will always whisper the truth... and i will commit those words to memory, then push them down far enough to keep them from coming out. For tonight I'll bleed it out.

No Vacancy. Try back later...

I ran out to get away from them. I needed to some time to sort. I tried to listen, and understand the words that usually got me out of these situations. I walked stoically, this reminded me of the faces in my sketch book, they were always left blank. I can't help but to think this is partly my fault, but it was only to protect myself, as if anyone else was going to. I couldn't let them in, let them see inside, all the shit I've oppressed over the years, laid out for the masses to access and grade. For so long I've been able to not conform to the idea of what satisfied them, but now, its needed in order to go further, i don't want to loose myself, or suppress myself. I guess stoic is safe..

but its not going to get this shit out on the shelves...

So god damn beautiful the webs we weave...

Just one grin,
you pulled me in.
not before long,
you were in my veins.
crawling beneath my skin,
orchestrating my thoughts,
and all the chemicals with in.
a fimilar light,
that warms and wraps tightly around my neck.
Dictate what i let in.
whispers in the dark keep you here,
where you least long to be.
still the thought of me pulls you in.




i let you take the pigment from skin,
set the balance perfectly off centered,
and i stood proud, and spoke what you wanted to say.

Fire breather.

I watched your from across the room,
admiring your every move.
Did you wonder where the fire went?
It was all around you.
Now its more then bright,
it scorns, it scars, it incinerates.
Taking her with it,
dose it mean anything anymore?
Maybe just a memory to feed,
just to make it through the day.
It doesn't hurt that much,
not like fire.

When all is gone.

I wrote this a while ago, it's not poetic, but its more powerful to me now.


Stay with me,
lay here with me.
talk to me about anything you please.
Smile for me,
like you mean it this time,
i need to feel you here,
i need to know what your thinking,
i need to know that every things okay.

Speak to me,
why wont you tell me why?
don't you know it kills me to see you unhappy.

I'll stand by,
I'll hold your hand,
I'll say what ever makes you happy,
but i wont play a game thats only deceiving.

Please, don't go away,
not tonight, i need you tonight,
here, i lie so idle, with out you in my life.


Theres a part of me that draws me to you, to think your here, i feel every detail of your jacket beneith my finger tips, i feel the warmth of your chest on my cheek, i search for your sent on my blanket, you've never been so distant.... but in proximity?

I am here, and everywhere, i wont come in, its too light in there, they'll see everything.

House Of Wolves.

Dare i strike a match in an unknown room, just to satisfy curiosity? just to see something in a new light, in a new prospective. May i invoke that shadow across the corridor? Pull it in to see it's face, to send it back to its place, only to stare the most fear in the eyes, to say that i have done so. Watching from a far has drained its own energy. Tempting, antagonizing, threatening, all depicted and the brightest lights, too opaque to reveal anything real. Still not one step back would be taken, even as it breathes down my neck, and just when its ready to fight, I'll strike the match.

Sophomoric.

With each breath I take, I take regret.
With each ring I hold hope, you never faded.
Your voice i still hear, though you sent has long faded.
Not today, I'll never be okay away from your arms.

With each step, it doesn't become closer.
With each minute, its all time wasted.
Ghost of my past, stay with me tonight.
You'll always be gracing the best of my dreams.

How to sleep, where you play.

I'll keep myself here,
I'm used to it by now.
Yeah i can stand this,
as long as as no ones around.

You can't change my mind,
this is who i am, who i want to be.
No You don't phase me,
say what you like, it doesn't effect me.
So you can keep tearing this place apart,
but i'll never leave.
No, this is my turn,
to be everything i had wanted,
you cant take this from me.

So i sat here, and took every blow.
Was that your best shot?
Yeah i thought so.
You can kick and scream,
no you can't tear me down.

10 beats shy of a lullaby.

I wish i had the right words to convey the light you've instilled in me.
This treasure i will never, could never let go.
How it has grown around me, like a blanket to an infant.
I stay a distance just to keep it safe, but i never lose touch.
You've made a dream, tangible.
Let a fantasy, shed light on a reality i no longer need to shape.
What can i give you in return?
To let you know that you are heard.

3:15pm

I will appear only when i feel the time is right,
then i will fade back.
When all is perfect i will take the world by storm,
but not yet, now i work and wait.
Yes when the day comes to show em all,
I'll do it 20 times better then anyone could have imagined.

And i'll get what i want when the time comes,
and give it all i have.
I'll take it once everything is perfect.
but not yet, now i fix and write.
Oh when that day comes it will be the best of my life,
And no one can take that from me.

Up hills.

I stood up and got knocked down. yeah i did it, but it doesn't feel better. why did you cry, who does this crowd behind me think i am? I am nothing but. I'll take the ride for what its worth, put a bullet in it when the deed is done. Always looking for a way out, but here i'll stay. Laugh at me as you please, i will be laughing too.

I take it as a warning, i know whats to come, and im not going to stay to watch it happen. Don't say it, i know you mean it, but it only makes this harder. Don't say it.

Who is dragging who?

I accept my reflection, pounded it into the sculpture i felt that day, and let it sit for all to see, and judge, and whatever you do best. Painted, oh yes, with those dark colors we are most fimilar with.
Bleeding, reds and blacks, blurring the object behind.

Your music box.

Keep me safe inside,
keep me close,
give me light once in a while.
Whisper when no ones listening,
Place me beside you when no ones watching,
there is where i like most to be.
"dance for me my love!"
I dance..
"sing for me my love!"
I sing..
Keep me here forever,
I will be here when you need.
Just don't toss me aside,
Keep me safe inside.

To decipher a pull from a tug.

I anticipate a long night to sort this mess out. To find once again, that path i strayed from. Is it possible to get back on, or is the path closer the one i'll be drawn to. How could i let this get so far? Hope, something that has always let me down.

You know, i wrote a few pages worth of reasons why i loved you yesterday, by this afternoon, it was torn. I dont know why i stay anymore, im not sure what part of me wont let go. Its all the same these daysweeks.

Please dont push me, i need some room to think.

The questions always gets me into trouble.
Wheres justin when ya need him?

Not everything you touch can burn.

If you are listening tonight,
tell me this is only the beginning.
If your here with me tonight,
please give me a sign.
Cause I've never felt so alone,
and my words appear like smoke.

Fading under bright lights,
lost in costume, lost am i tonight.
Thought you were by my side,
now i grasp for anything,
and i can clutch and wont slip away.

Is this is the end?
dance till we've got nothing left.
we march side by side.
Walking shadows,
we will shout,
till everyone hears our words.
till our lungs give out,
we wont stop.

we wont stop,
give me your best fight,
so bring on the brightest of lights,
no we wont give up.

Number 3

No you don't know.
No one knows.. lets keep it that way.
If only you knew, though i prefer you didn't.
With this i hold a crooked smile.

"Numb."
"..What?"
"..the word your looking for, numb."
"Oh yes, perhaps..."


What keeps me up at night, or busy during classes?
"him."
"which him?"
"..oh you don't know him. He's everything and more that i could ever desire.."
"what about ... whats his name?"
"oh yeah.. him, i nearly forgot.."
"well thats not right."
"none of this is..."


"..but may i lead?"

----------------

I'm sorry i couldn't be,
everything you wanted.
I always try to be,
that girl your looking for.
Oh no it's just not me.

I won't stop,
till you've got the world.
No i wont sleep till i feel you here next to me.

I'll wait for you,
whoever you want me to be.
I'll be you anything, your everything.
I can give you the world,
i know its not me,
but I'll try to be.

Your witty title....

You know me better then anyone, with only just a few words said.
How long have I kept you here?
Curiosity drives this one, I feel safer in the passenger seat.

What are you so afraid of?
I would expect more from you, no scratch that.. of you.
A passing glance wont get the point across.


I've been thinking of the concert... I know whats going to go down.
How it will, or if it will fall into place, you decide that.


Something real to hold on to.


I know you can treat me better, your more like me, but theres something missing...

fix it.




xoxo





p.s-only to contradict.

No.

Stay right there, don't move, keep your eyes here.
Stop talking i need you to listen, don't walk away, you said you would listen.
You never meant it did you?





Learn to love the lie.

This is fun and all, but am I talking to a ghost?

Are you toying with me my dear? No, as if i had the privilege of being acknowledged by you. It's still a thought of mine I dwell on, mostly to shed light on the others.

Secrets are very important to you, I know, but the trill of letting one out over rides the fear of embarrassment and/or destruction, doesn't it?

With this I keep it all to myself. Selfish some may say, but it all makes me feel closer to you, though you couldn't be further away. With each idea you bring to the table, i bring something in return. Tonight I will bring the side dish, do you have a favorite?

I do not have a grip on reality, therefore, the truth in my eyes are blurred. Perhaps I'm better of this way, preserve the child in me, minus the foolishness this time around. I do believe every word you've said, am I a fool to trust someone i don't even personally know? Or do I? I know you better then I know me these days, but at the same time, what your name is wouldn't change any thing you've said.
For this truth, I am forever in debt to you.



p.s- I will use the finest of my brushes, and the darkest of my colors, my best masterpiece of shit, every line carefully thought out with each aspect of you in mind.


Keep talking....




xoxo

The concept is quite simple, the solution apparent, holding on to a light that has lost it's shine, give us life.

Once again, in return, i let you know that you are heard.

It sickens me what you've made that place into,
now filled with anger and aggression, filth, it spills over,
effects more then what your eyes are capable to perceive.
more then your minds are capable to comprehend.
do you not see what i'm trying to portray?
i've laid this out in a manner i thought you would understand.
This here proves that though much is said by him,
little of it is understood.
He is trying to speak!!! you ramble on as if he is talking in another dialect!
I feel his frustration, i see every corner of his mind,
i can't change this place back into what it used to be,
i've tried, and now i try to start over again.
Filth, you all wear black on your faces,
i take them as warnings, not as a challenge.

p.s- yes mayo, you..

00.07

I'm sure this justifys as cruel and unusual punishment,
the silence on the other end forces me to assume.
"It runs from my chest to my toes".
A pain no person should endure,
but one i would over and over,
if you said it would all work out in the end.

p.s- i need to feel you here with me tonight.

My wish was granted.
These are tears of joy.
I see what you see in her,
most of it came from me.
I know what you think of me,
most of it came from her.
I wish i could make this easier for you,
I didn't think she never knew.
I'll try again... hold on for a bit, I'll get it i swear.


This made no sense, i know, but he gets what it means.

Sincerely, Me.

I have a secret, but i never told a lie about it. Maybe just one. Change is something I'm attracted to, although this seems like a small detail, it can mess with your life and your perception of things. I see the world as a Pandora of opportunities, and i must take them now, or never. I'm about twice as fast as the textbooks say i should be. I'm a quick, hit and run, done deal person, except when it comes to music, I'm a perfectionist. Examine every line I've made, the picture is deeper than your perception, i wouldn't expect you to understand.

Get the picture?

Six you say? No, five.

At the moment I am drawn to the optimistic corner of my mind, though I have no reason to be. It's safe here, no shadows. You lead me to think your here, but i know thats just wishful thinking, so childish I can be at vulnerable times. I was reflecting on all that you've done for me, and I don't believe just an ordinary man could have done what you have. I wish I had something I could give to you in return, but all you need is what I don't have. Perhaps I can tell you things along the way, to keep you strong and make me feel important to a degree. Think about it....

Melodies scribbled on walls, for shadows to dance to tonight. A ball, a parade, a masquerade, here, luminated by moonlight.

"Just keep listening..."

Dear all those WAYTers..

Alone for real this time, but now i can wait if you allow.

I'm sorry for the mess I've made, i know now the destruction i have caused. The mirror never seemed so deceiving. All the while i looked forward, never caught a glance with whats left behind. Blur myself from your minds, make me air, let me drift away, slowly, sightly. I never expected anyone to listen, but you did. Though my words were lacking of meaning, you sat there and listened,. I remember i came in one day, and it took me 15 min. just to say hi back to everyone, that was the greatest feeling. Then i came in and when it happened again, i felt differently, like the feeling when you walk into a room and realize everyone was just talking about you. I'm not asking for you guys to change, i just wanted to let you know, that i know.

p.s- sorry to wayt person who finds this and isnt sure if they should show people... you know your gonna do it.
its the point of this.

As I like it.

I'm not in a poetic mood, but i do need to let some things out before they let them selfs out in a landslide.




I'm killing a man,
i know i am.
this I'm certain of.

I cant let you go,
I'm not done with you.
you have much to take from this.

This wasn't my intentions,
i swear i meant it at one point,
i think.

i choke on words,
they fail to pass my lips.
you say you love me,
ill give you these lips.

but you said,
that we'd get through this.
i know what i said,
but i cant get pass this.

So ill keep..
tangling this web till it don't work anymore.
and ill keep..
nodding along, if you'll believe those lines.

They were just lines,
but if you want them take them.
but don't take from them,
your going about this all wrong.


So ill shatter a heart,
its all i know i can do.
rip you apart,
you know you want me to.
you give but not take,
so ill fake it till you've learned.


Don't say it.... you don't mean it, you never did.

The Tempest.

I released my grip, and watched the wind carry the dust from my hand. I stared intently at where the was remains were once kept for so long, remembering the scent of it all in the beginning. The smile graced upon my face, contradicts the tears in my eyes. The sense of insecure independence dominates the mood of the moment. Your voice is forever instilled within my mind, a sweet tone that will be the soundtrack of my life. Your words ill try to forget, all the while never loosing the meaning. You'll always be my muse and my silver lining, but for now, i must go.

I'll never let you go.
xoxo

Walking shadows and poor players.

I've knocked on this door once before, I'll return with a new situation at hand. You stand there only to repeat back what mess I've thrown at you. Cant you see my purpose for standing here? Of course you don't, you have to see for yourself, like an adolescent. This you have admitted to, but for me, please listen, and depict my words carefully.

Perhaps I'm completely of track.

I cant tell by your tone you haven't heard a word I've said.



I'll stay for the show, but I'm not going to sing along.

"Wait a minute.... no do-overs?"

"No sire, it's a revolution"

You've shown me what it looks like from the top.
Ive been recently pulled down to reality.


Can you still hear me?
Give me your hand.


~Ive strayed, I've tested my boundiries and still you stay beside me.~

Lets start over again.

The past has happened, we cant change that.
Tonight were innocent again.
All that we went through, we'll organize them, and take the lessons with us.
Tonight we are free again.
Every bit of regret, we'll embrace before we let go.
No looking back from here on out.
Just stay by my side, and everything from now on will be alright.

Raise your glass to a new beginning.